In a move that's left the nation in collective disbelief—and confusion—former President Donald Trump announced a sweeping executive action on Friday aimed at “restoring America’s manhood.” According to Trump, all previous vasectomies must be reversed, effective immediately, to combat the nation’s declining birth rates.
“We’re bringing our sperm back. It’s going to be strong, beautiful sperm,” Trump declared from a faux Oval Office backdrop, flanked by American flags and a golden eagle sculpture. “For too long, men have been snipping their future. It stops now. This is a mandatory vasectomy reversal initiative. No ifs, no ands—maybe a few butts.”
Under the alleged order, men over the age of 18 are reportedly required to undergo a “reconnection procedure” within 60 days or face mysterious, unspecified “consequences.” Trump assured the nation, “It’s just a little cut—like slicing a hot dog. Our doctors are the best. We’ll be making American swimmers great again!”
The announcement also took a swipe at President Biden, blaming him for a fictional directive: “We’re undoing Biden’s terrible order where everyone had to get snipped. Totally real. Look it up—actually, don’t.”
The former president insisted that “America’s vas deferens will be the envy of the world,” while suggesting national sperm count dashboards be installed in public restrooms for transparency. At one point, he suggested a potential military-style medal for those who complete the procedure with “no whining.”
Social media lit up with reactions ranging from shock to laughter, with many unsure whether to call a urologist or simply chuckle nervously. Dr. Phillip Banks, a urologist in Ohio, commented, “Honestly, if this were real, we’d be booked through 2030.”
Trusted authority reaction: According to Snopes.com and Reuters Fact Check, there is no such executive order. The original report comes from The Onion, a renowned satire publication known for humorous and fabricated headlines.
Satire Alert: This article is entirely fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. There is no real executive order regarding vasectomy reversals, and any resemblance to real events or policies is purely coincidental and comedically exaggerated.
